me VS me

When I am feeling stressed to the MAX, I curl up into a little ball inside my mushy brain and wait for the heart palpitations to pass.  I suppose I retreat inside myself because it is not as obvious as hiding under the pile of dirty laundry in my closet.  When I live in my head, I look present, but I'm not.  I hear you, but I'm not listening.  The light is on, but no one is home.  I don't necessarily find comfort in the looping and random thoughts that pulse through my brain like a laser light show- but it's what I know.  The absurd scenarios I play out in my mind only add to the stress I feel, but again- it's what I know.   Maybe retreating inside myself allows me the opportunity to jump into the ring with ME and beat the mess out of myself.  Then when I'm all tired out, I can crawl out of the ring- a winner no matter what because whoever wins, it will always be me.  But then again, I guess there will always be a ME that loses.  Needless to say, I've been in the ring.  The last round was fierce, but I came out swinging.  No longer am I curled up into a little ball inside my mushy brain.  I am PRESENT!  The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and it is also a terrible place hide.


Alyson and Ford said...

I don't know which I appreciate more - your honesty, your courage or your strength.
Actually, I admire all three.

WeinBergen said...

I admire the fact that she doesn't directly link my name to that stress. Bless